Why is the 'achievement' of social triumph shrouded in so much self-grandeur, when you havent done anything other than the mere necessities just to get it off the blocks? As soon as the grandeur wears off, it is a sobering experience, the fact you simply cannot push it any further.
The fact that all confidence must be generated on the other side, because you don't have the tenacity to instigate socialisation, is even more demoralising. There have been rare cases where confidence has been developed on both sides, and those cases have been successful for me. Confidence on both sides of the coin is mandatory. A single sided confidence enforcement makes it seem like the quiet side is simply not interested in the egomatic.
When a Man has a broken arm, he cannot climb a tree, he physically cannot do it. When a man has a mental agitation, he mentally cannot achieve a certain objective, whether that be going near a spider web, or figuring out a maths sum. However this is different. Nothing too extravagant reveals that anything is broken inside me. To others, I simply seem uninterested in the glory and pain of others, and everything in between. Oh how I wish I could remove the wall and prove them all wrong =(
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Once bitten, twice shy.
"In the middle of a desert, there is an apple tree. Some apples are ripe for eating, others are poisonous and will kill you instantly. Would you take an apple and risk death, or would you refuse it, continue to try and find a way out of a desert, and die trying anyway?"
Its a problem I am faced with everyday. Do you talk to a person, and risk some social failure, or do you keep quiet, and hope the confidence will just come one day? Logic says the former, The Wall says the latter.
============
Its never easy when a fellow citizen conspires against you for no good reason. Its as if my brother stole their lunch, or my cat bit them in the arse. The consequences of a different persons actions should never be unleased on another soul, no matter how closely related the criminal and the victim are. After all, the friend of your enemy should not be your enemy for that only reason.
As more people conceivedly conspire against you, your own conspiracy theories begin to rear their ugly head. Are there meetings every week that plan a demise, or something else of a simular sinister nature. Its best not to think about what goes on outside your sphere, cause it is a parrallel world, something you have no influence on. Its best not to think about it, but it is the perfect place for your enemies to launch an invasion of your world, no matter how subtle. Thus it is hard not to, but instead of thinking about the armies outside your universe, it is best to fight the battles you have at hand, rather than think about ones that may not exist at all.
Its a problem I am faced with everyday. Do you talk to a person, and risk some social failure, or do you keep quiet, and hope the confidence will just come one day? Logic says the former, The Wall says the latter.
============
Its never easy when a fellow citizen conspires against you for no good reason. Its as if my brother stole their lunch, or my cat bit them in the arse. The consequences of a different persons actions should never be unleased on another soul, no matter how closely related the criminal and the victim are. After all, the friend of your enemy should not be your enemy for that only reason.
As more people conceivedly conspire against you, your own conspiracy theories begin to rear their ugly head. Are there meetings every week that plan a demise, or something else of a simular sinister nature. Its best not to think about what goes on outside your sphere, cause it is a parrallel world, something you have no influence on. Its best not to think about it, but it is the perfect place for your enemies to launch an invasion of your world, no matter how subtle. Thus it is hard not to, but instead of thinking about the armies outside your universe, it is best to fight the battles you have at hand, rather than think about ones that may not exist at all.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Renaissance! The Wall
A trip back into time today. I managed to find some of my posts from the previously deleted Nexus of Khaos blog.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
The Wall
Previously, I have discussed the emotional side of Social Anxiety. Now I'm going to go into a little more detail on something I call the wall.
The Wall prevents me and any Social Phobics from executing the task they intend to the fullest. As you might be able to see through this crappy diagram.
B--------->W
=No physical action.
The B is the brain, the arrows are the command or the energy. The wall is a strong bastard, doesn't budge easily. In this case, the energy is useless and I don't do what I want to do at all.
This could happen when I try and say hello to a stranger, or want to go in a certain area
but cant because of Anxiety potential.
However, I may need to conjure more energy to get through the wall. In that case, this happens
B==========>W----------->S
The double line indicates more energy. The W is the wall, which is pierced, but the output at the end isn't anywhere near as powerful as what I inputted. For example, I may want to say hello to a person I sort of know. I inspire energy to say it, but I need a lot just to get through the wall.
So much of the energy is spent destroying the wall, that there is hardly any left by the end of the tunnel.
Therefore my hello will be very mumbled or whispered.
Thats what is like. That wall doesn't let through much, the challenge is to destroy the bastard for good. Non Social Phobics will say you could just kick it down, but its more like destroying the great wall of China, piece by piece.
The Wall has just become another part of me. It is as if it's been there for so long, that I don't know life without the obstructing bastard. We will say that this is like the Berlin Wall. I am stuck on the Eastern side without having even rolled in the grass of the other side.
Something inside me thinks I need protection from something it perceives as a threat. Like someone walking across your path to take the hit of a water bomb on a very warm day, yes its got the word bomb in it, but darn it, the water sure sounds good. Hmm, Socialising. Social=good, ising=not so good.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
The Wall
Previously, I have discussed the emotional side of Social Anxiety. Now I'm going to go into a little more detail on something I call the wall.
The Wall prevents me and any Social Phobics from executing the task they intend to the fullest. As you might be able to see through this crappy diagram.
B--------->W
=No physical action.
The B is the brain, the arrows are the command or the energy. The wall is a strong bastard, doesn't budge easily. In this case, the energy is useless and I don't do what I want to do at all.
This could happen when I try and say hello to a stranger, or want to go in a certain area
but cant because of Anxiety potential.
However, I may need to conjure more energy to get through the wall. In that case, this happens
B==========>W----------->S
The double line indicates more energy. The W is the wall, which is pierced, but the output at the end isn't anywhere near as powerful as what I inputted. For example, I may want to say hello to a person I sort of know. I inspire energy to say it, but I need a lot just to get through the wall.
So much of the energy is spent destroying the wall, that there is hardly any left by the end of the tunnel.
Therefore my hello will be very mumbled or whispered.
Thats what is like. That wall doesn't let through much, the challenge is to destroy the bastard for good. Non Social Phobics will say you could just kick it down, but its more like destroying the great wall of China, piece by piece.
The Wall has just become another part of me. It is as if it's been there for so long, that I don't know life without the obstructing bastard. We will say that this is like the Berlin Wall. I am stuck on the Eastern side without having even rolled in the grass of the other side.
Something inside me thinks I need protection from something it perceives as a threat. Like someone walking across your path to take the hit of a water bomb on a very warm day, yes its got the word bomb in it, but darn it, the water sure sounds good. Hmm, Socialising. Social=good, ising=not so good.
Rebirth!
The nexus of Khaos has been reborn! Its been a long time between drinks I must admit, but now I got a thirst for some blogging, im back with a vengeance =p. I hope to provide some interesting insights in regards to life on the other side of the bridge.
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